|I'm so tired...
||[Nov. 21st, 2004|08:40 pm]
I've been rolling an idea around in my head for a while now, and now I'm so tired of thinking about it that I just decided to do something about it.
Let me back up a little bit...
I've wanted to be a teacher ever since I was old enough to have thoughts about it. There's never been a doubt in my mind that teaching is my calling. Yes there are days when I would love to hide under my covers and not deal with the pressures of educating children, but I love it with all my heart. It is who I am.
Five years ago, on a whim, out of boredom, I tried something that I never thought about trying before. I sat down and I wrote a story. On that same whim, I posted it on the internet and there began "FictionLyn" and the many Sagas and dramas that followed.
There were times that these two things clashed. There were times when I was so obsessed with my writing that I gave less attention to my teaching. My students didn't suffer because I'm good at multi-tasking...but I divided myself between two passions and gave away myself in order to sustain those two passions.
I took a year off after writing for 2 solid years (and I mean solid) and I began a story that pushed me farther. I realized that I could write and sustain a story based on completely fictional characters. I fell in love with the freedom of it and the newness of it. I really enjoyed being able to update on my own time and for my own reasons.
Ever since I started this new story, I've felt a pull in myself more than ever before. I ignored that tug-of-war inside of myself and I kept on with what I was doing, even though from the very start I didn't want to write like I had been before. I didn't want to write online anymore.
Now I'm stuck because I've started it and people are reading it. But this week I hit a point in my life where I realized how pulled I am and how much I resent it. Of how much I resent being "FictionLyn" and writing in a way that I'm not happy with anymore. I'm not happy with where I am, I'm not happy with having my life pulled away from my true calling, and this week I found myself so frustrated and scared that I took myself away from who I am as a teacher. That scared me.
I'm terrified of writing now. Before, I could sit and come up with 20 ideas on how to take a scene or a storyline...and now it just stresses me out to think of anything that has to do with writing. I can't even enjoy books anymore. I've heard of writer's block. I've heard of people having too many ideas. I've never heard of a writing phobia, but that's the closest way I can describe what is going on right now with me. I'm terrified of diving back into my writing or even continuing it.
I don't know how I made it through the chapter the other night. I honestly don't remember sitting down and writing it. It was just done and I posted it. Writing now seems like a job, and I don't understand that because I love my story and I love my characters. I love where it's going and I love what I'm going to make of it. I just don't understand why I'm feeling like this. I feel like I can't pull anything together right now. I've felt like this for a while now, I hoped that taking a break would help, but it only made me realize how nice it was to have one single job to do and do it well.
There's a reason my site won't load. I've taken it all down. I thought that would make me upset and that I would struggle with it, but I felt liberated and I felt good. I felt, for the first time in years, that I was being true to MYSELF. I was being true to my own wishes and desires.
It upsets me and hurts me that I've disappointed people out there who have been with me from the beginning. You all are never far from my mind. You all are the ones that kept me going even when I wanted to stop.
I promised myself that when writing wasn't fun anymore, when I began to dread it or feel turned off by it, that I would stop. This might be yet another mistake, but for now when I feel like I'm juggling too many things in my life...it is giving me some sort of peace. And so far it seems like the kind of peace that I have been searching for, for a really long time.
I don't know how much I'll update this journal, that's not something I have thought about yet. I don't know much of anything except that I need less responsibility and I need to focus on my own life that doesn't revolve around fiction. I never planned to have this path in my life to begin with.
All I can ask for is understanding. If that is too costly to give...so be it.
Me (just me)